Willing Myself To Do Stuff

After a phone call with my pally, Taylor, I gained an ounce of motivation to do things of my own accord. Sunday morning, not even thinking about church, I went on a walk with my dog, Fluffy. Taylor had told me to start doing things without thinking about them, cos when I think about things, the whole day’s already gone, and that makes me feel shit. So I got out of the house, not super early, but still before the rents left for church, and took my little arctic fox round the neighborhood. Now, in my head, the route we were going to take was quick – but, it turned out to be a good hour walk. And I wasn’t sure how Fluf would take it since she hadn’t been walked for a couple of years. She did great, except for when she was trying to jump into ditches when cars were passing by. I did alright. We got back, and the day was still waiting. I felt good for a little bit – knowing that I actually got out of the house because I wanted to, rather than obeying my mum to drive her around town on her errands. But that feeling died, then I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to play piano, but unfortunately my fingers have gone on sabbatical, don’t know for how long. So I took to the tv to waste the rest of the afternoon.

I heard somewhere that the hardest thing about going to the gym is going to the gym. Once you’re there, it’s pretty much a breeze, but willing yourself to get up and go is what’s hard. Too much thinking instead of just doing. Honestly, when I tell myself that, I’m like, Ok, yeah, I can do it. But then it’s like I always find some diversion to the actual task. Even with blogging, I don’t have the motivation to finish a post. You should see how many drafts are awaiting me. Or the tabs I still have open on potential job positions.I think it’s a consistency thing. Like I’ll give myself a high five for doing the actual task, but then what about following through with consistency? Being disciplined? This is why I’m doing the photo a day project, because I’ve made that a daily task, where I have to be consistent. But how am I going to start implementing the same discipline in other things I want to do? Do I have to see everything as a project maybe? I’m not sure. Writing things down, planning, is not really my style. But then procrastination always happens. And although I have prided myself in the past as a professional procrastinator, when I don’t have set deadlines, it doesn’t really work. It’s like I’m online, but away from the computer. Then comes in laziness and inactivity, then my dark thoughts, then gloom. I have to be strict with myself, and it’s tough. I have to get over it though and just suck it up. If that means making up deadlines, or just spontaneously acting on whims, then so be it.

Fingers crossed.

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