I swear that this blog is not supposed to be an outlet to secretly seek pity. A breakthrough is coming I’m told. I just don’t know when.
Been listening to Mitski, which is really lonely girl with heavy guitar and ghostly voice cool chordal type of music. Sometimes listening to such music makes me feel less lonely – like I’m at a party full of slow moving sad people where we can just mull over our misery. Lately I’ve been imagining myself in a TV screen production. I’m the hard ass girl character that no one is really friends with but is still relied on. She doesn’t get the guy, but usually saves the hero who saves the day. She has a rough past or a mysterious past, nobody really knows about. Is it pathetic that I have a full existence in my imagination when in real life I’m barely living? I miss a life that’s never happened, people who have never happened to me. I miss a joyous heart and headspace that believes in positivity. I feel like I’m lying about who I am on the outside. Because inside I feel like death. But if you met me you wouldn’t know it or be able to tell. I once told my cousin I was depressed, and she said depressed people don’t smile. I’m worried that I will never be the person I think I can be, not who people think I am based on what they see. It’s just frustrating when I can literally only be understood by music and not the people around me. And it’s annoying because I’m not finding enough ways to distract myself.
I need to exert all this badness in me. Self-help, self-care, all that. I wish God would just snap a finger to get me out of this phase and give me some purpose. But that’s not how He works, I know that.
Anyway, I think I started this post with the TV character comparison, because I feel that there are people you meet in life who fit TV character tropes. And I think I really fit that character who’s always supposed to just be in the background to save the hero whenever they’re in need, or who’s always there for someone else’s convenience. But like, what about me? I think I want to take a break from all that, and finally be a little less predictable with the choices I make. It’s exhausting not actually taking care of yourself, and I think finding parts of who you are can be a part of that self care – like what your purpose is for you, not based on what anyone else has come to expect. Anyway. Maybe it’s time for my character to just go on hiatus for a season or two.